Because I find working on my manuscript in public spaces beneficial to my writing process, I have had the distinct pleasure of sitting next to numerous first dates. And with exceptions (of course), I now fear the end of the two-way conversation.
Let me explain with a real life example.
Date number one
An elderly man and an elderly woman sat at a table against the paneled wall of a Barnes and a Noble Starbucks cafe. They were dressed up in that charming way the older generation often does: him in slacks and suspenders, her in a tailored dress and pearls. They ordered their coffees hot and served in ceramic cups.
I sat at the table next to them, intending to lock into my manuscript for two hours, but realized I’d forgotten my headphones.
The man spent twenty minutes straight telling the woman about every single medical procedure he’d recently gone through in vivid detail while she sat in silence, clutching her purse in her lap. And, dear reader, it was a lot.
She did speak, occasionally. A word here, a word there. I’m not quite sure he heard her, though, because he kept on going like she wasn’t even speaking. He got so long-winded, that I had to move to a table across the cafe, where I hoped to distance myself as far as possible from his colonoscopy results.
Instead, I got—
Date number two
A man and a woman in their forties (my best guess) sat across from each other at a small table in the middle of the same cafe. This woman also clutched her purse in her lap. They both ordered ice coffees in plastic to-go cups. She wore a pretty floral dress. He wore a dark polo and khaki pants.
I did not sit near them, but I didn’t have to with the natural volume of his voice. This whole side of the cafe was on this date with them, evidently, and I overheard this man talk for twenty-five minutes straight about his recent backyard project, complete with the equipment used, his discussions with the contractors, mishaps, and accomplishments.
All the while, she sat and nodded, inserting the occasional affirmation (“wow”; “I see”; “that’s nice”).
Both situations, it was clear that the woman was waiting for their date to finish their story before speaking.
Both situations, the story did not seem to end.
Both situations, the man did not ask their date any questions.
I’d like to think that after twenty or twenty-five minutes the speaker would change hands, but my friends, that is approaching half-an-hour of a one-sided conversation. That is almost half a House of the Dragon episode (the ones that actually last an hour).
It’s happening everywhere
This isn’t exclusive to just dating. It applies to friend meetups and meetings. I’ve now been a witness to many one-sided conversations (I am also an equal opportunity communications critic when I say anyone along the gender identities is capable of ruining a conversation).
“But Vickie,” you say, “maybe people just like listening. Maybe they’re the perfect definition of ‘opposites attract’.”
Yes. That is a very good point, and if that is the case, this article isn’t for them.
However, the reason I bring this up is precisely because I see the complaints online and hear them from friends and family. The dating world is rough. Just plain socializing is rough. It feels like a one-sided interview. Worse, it feels like being subjected to a live podcast where you’re an audience of one (and me, if I happen to be working on my manuscript nearby).
So…I’m a podcaster 🥴
It’s literally my job to ask questions of my guests and then listen. It’s also my job to guide the conversation so it doesn’t become a one-person show.
Call me old-fashioned (or progressive), but a first date should not feel like listening to a one-person podcast.
I like to think the best of everyone and assume most people go into dating with the best of intentions (and if they’re not, that's for a different article). Therefore, in the interest of balancing the playing field, I find it in my personal interest as a professional communicator to teach anyone who needs it.
Tips for the talker
Next time you’re on a date or chatting with a friend, consider the following if you’d like to prevent dominating the conversation:
The art of asking questions
I read somewhere years ago that in order to impress someone, ask questions. This may actually be more impactful than listing off your resume for ten minutes straight.
Some of the best date conversations I’ve overheard go a little like this:
Step 1: you ask a question and listen to their answer.
Step 2: you offer your perspective on the question (it helps to also acknowledge what they said)
Step 3: you pause, wait to see if they have a follow up question or statement, and if they don’t, then
Step 4: you ask the next question.
Check in with them
Now that you’re self aware, if you’re ever worried you’re going on too long, simply ask.
“I’m so sorry, I feel like I’m taking over the conversation, I don’t mean to do that. You tell me how you think this is going.”
Or,
“I feel like I’m telling you a lot of things, is this okay? We can talk about you. [insert question]”
Sometimes this little pressure valve lessens the tension and signals that you’re conscious about sharing the space.
Be comfortable with a little silence
I get it. Meeting people is nerve-wracking, and sometimes nervousness leads to word vomit, but sometimes people appreciate a little space to signal to them that it’s their turn to talk.
So, just…count a few seconds after you’re done to feel them out.
I do want to point out that the effort for good communication on the date should not be one-sided. Therefore, I have…
Tips for the listener
I hear your complaints. If you find yourself commonly subjected to monologues against your will and hating it, here’s what you can do:
Acknowledge that you also have a role to play
I’ve seen people complain about getting steamrolled in a conversation, then assert that they shouldn’t have to say anything for the other person to know they’re being rude.
Unfortunately, that only enables the talker. If the goal is to get a better outcome, realize you have more power than you think.
Stop waiting for ‘permission’
You don’t need to be asked a question in order to speak. Offer up unsolicited information about yourself.
“Oh, you did [that]? How interesting. I did [this].”
Interrupt
Yup. Fight those polite tendencies and 👏break 👏 it 👏up. Redirect the conversation. Change the subject even, depending on how lengthy the current topic has gotten. Make the conversation something that also works for you. If someone feels they can talk all over you, it’s free game to intervene.
For the people pleasers…
👏You are not a bad person for wanting equal participation in the conversation.
👏You’re not a bad person for redirecting the conversation.
👏You’re not a bad person for taking up space.
All this coming from a former people pleaser.
Being a human is hard
Unless you’re an immortal vampire with hundreds of years of experience (and a gift for hypnotic seduction), the rest of us are living life for the first time. We make mistakes. It’s good to give a little grace. Practice makes perfect.
(Important disclaimer: if the date is just not salvageable and you don’t want to try to rectify it, I respect that. Also, it’s a weird world out there. Do whatever you need to do to stay safe.)
At the end of the day, however, if you’re feeling vexed by attempts to have conversations with others, hopefully I was able to provide some help.
Now that I’ve monologued at you for a great length…what are your thoughts on the topic? I’m listening.
Photos sourced from Pexels.com. No part of this article was created with AI.
Vickie Lan is an award-winning communication strategist and the podcast host of Speculative Sandbox, where she asks questions and actively listens to her guests. She’s also author of an upcoming novel about aliens who talk a lot in BUT FIRST TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, out Fall 2027.
